What (most) Muslim matrimony services won't tell you.
Published
We can all rely on Muslim matrimony websites and apps to say things to cheer us up, keep us motivated and not despair. That's great - and it should be kept that way.
But being a Muslim/Islamic service, the other side must be addressed too: the hard facts.
As we understand, a Muslim should be balanced; living between fear of Allah's punishment, and hope in His mercy.
We also know that we've been created as a community within the middle,
"Thus We have appointed you a middle nation," (2:184)
So why is this not the case?
For many liberal matrimony services, they would like the perks of catering for the global Muslim community, but not the responsibility of keeping things halal.
Within another post, we can cover why most matrimonial services are simply business ventures; self-serving, and used to exploit the Muslim community.
Here are some key points most Muslim matrimony services won't discuss...
Working on Yourself - your struggle to find a religious husband or wife could be due to your own irreligious habits.
Allah the Almighty wishes goodness for His creation, so it's plausible that a practicing partner who is committed may be kept from you. You may not be ready for that, or the practicing partner could feel shortchanged with receiving a partner that's "not ready" for many religious obligations. In the case of the latter, Allah (SWT) may be demonstrating His divine justice, and saving them from you.
As we know,
"Wicked women are for wicked men, and wicked men are for wicked women. And virtuous women are for virtuous men, and virtuous men are for virtuous women." (24:26)
Secondly, if one's profile doesn't provide any indication of a religious contribution to a marriage, then perhaps this should be remedied? Boosting your Islamic knowledge via the attendance of Islamic courses could really bolster one's marriage profile.
Muslim matrimonial services have the influence to encourage change, and they should facilitate and even incentivise those Muslims with greater Islamic contributions to a marriage.
Sadly, most have taken the role of caterers and potentials are encouraged to share trivial details. For example, favourite holiday destination, foods, hobbies etc. All this gears towards the visual, and aesthetically pleasing. Religious contributions to society, and a marriage are given inadequate space on profiles.
C is for Compromise - one of the dangers of pushing liberalism and individualism is a reluctance to compromise.
Matrimony services have users of their platforms believing they're the best thing since sliced bread. As such, they shouldn't be required to budge on anything. Nothing.
Compromise is usually tricky and uncomfortable. Whether it's at work, home or marriage, this will inevitably surface.
This uncomfortable feeling, arising as a result of compromise is often merged into the category of "incompatible", and potentials are very quick to close that conversation, or even worse, block others.
It is advisable to hold a small selection of deal-breakers, but being open to compromise before simply dismissing someone. The expectation of not compromising at all, even in the marriage search is unrealistic, and quite frankly, childish.
Time is limited - apparently, you've got "all the time in the world", "marriage can't be rushed", and "it's never too late".
Certainly with the last two statements, you can agree with this.
After all, we've learned that rushing or haste is from the Shaitaan, and it's up the Almighty to gift you with children, as shown by the example of Prophet Ibrahim (pbuh, who was blessed with Ibrahim and Ismail (pbut) at an old age.
But it's important to take a pragmatic approach to life, and the marriage process. In the case of having children, it is possible to conceive at the age of 75, but it's highly unlikely.
For many that are looking to have children, time (and age) has greater significance and cannot be ignored on the basis of infringing on user sentiments.
Muslim Matrimony services operating with a moral compass (at least that's how it should be), mustn't be deterred from highlighting the scarcity of time, as sitting in line with Qur'anic principles.
"By time,
Indeed, mankind is in loss,
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience." (103,1-3)
The greater tragedy is the encouragement of ignoring time. Members are encouraged to overlook their own age completely, but remaining persistent on their platform as a paid member until the "perfect" one arrives.
This can only be seen as another example of catering for 21st century tastes. Wily matrimonial services, marriage coaches and the like are offering plenty of encouragement, but is this what potentials want, or need to hear?
Doubts are normal and reasonable - getting married is a big deal; there's no two ways about it.
What a potential is (usually) looking for is a partner for life. Therefore, this individual should tick a number of boxes.
Although, to find someone that ticks ALL boxes is incredibly difficult. So deciding to marrying someone that doesn't tick all the boxes will cause doubt. That's reasonable.
Fussy marriage seekers may want to pay attention here. It's worth knowing that a "10/10" potential will (and should) cause doubts. Perhaps on the morning of the Nikah, there will be doubts. What's needed is the appropriate management of those doubts.
Unfortunately, most matrimony services will advise to ditch those doubts. How do you do that? By ditching the potential.
And these doubts can surface via a range of methods.
For example, a free flowing conversation can reveal their views on something that you find slightly problematic. This causes doubts.
According to the "experts", it's time to eradicate this person from your life.
So what this perpetual dismissal of individuals does is form disastrous habits for a long-term relationship. After all, marriage will be filled with unpleasant habits and annoyances of your spouse at some point. Lingering thoughts on whether this person was right for them after all will emerge due to reckless advice. Management of these post-marriage doubt will require breaking old habits; habits formed by ill-advised marriage gurus, coaches and matrimony services.
Parenting paradise - Ok, to equate being a parent with paradise is a bit of a stretch, but the enormous pleasure from seeing a child grow, YOUR child develop, is a miracle of the Almighty.
As Muslims, the usual way to achieve this would be through the sanctity of marriage. Whilst this gift is entirely dependent on the Almighty, it is something that can, and should, be promoted as a package to Muslims.
But once again, a catering role is taken by Muslim matrimonial providers. Filters for those not wanting children are featuring on platforms, and are becoming a deal-breaker for many. Here's a common statement on profiles today.
"Don't contact me if you want children."
Of course, single Muslims come in all shapes and sizes. Some may have a number of children from a previous relationship already, or they've reached a certain age where they don't feel they don't have the energy to run around after toddlers. There will be exceptions to the rule.
However, this should be treated as such and not be left as a visible option for young singles to ponder over. "Do I actually want to become a parent?" All of this is encouraged by filters, which may be intended to provide choice, but subconsciously deter Muslims from wanting children.
After all, some apps offer one option for wanting children, and a number of options supporting an opposing viewpoint. Take a look...
"Want children"
"Open to having children"
"Don't want children"
"Prefer not to say"
Such options may seem innocent but they're undoubtedly guiding users towards a particular response. In this case, they overwhelmingly lean against having children.
To willingly close a door on ongoing charity (which children can be) should remain concerning. This must cause one to question one's religious ambitions, unless there's convincing points to decline the choice of children.
Let's hope we see a change from Muslim matrimonial service. Let's pray for a shift away from the choice of Profits over the Prophet (peace be upon him), and his Prophetic way.
